“Up
and at'em!” - is what my surgeon said to me the day I came out of
ICU, two days after my surgery. Three years ago tonight I came out of
my open heart surgery with a new mechanical aortic valve, a new
aorta, a repaired arch and four bypasses on four major arteries in my
heart. About a week from that day, I had a heart attack while laying
in my hospital bed waiting to be released.
But
two days after the surgery, the surgeon said that once I would leave
that hospital the sky will be the limit for me (“It's up and at'em
from here on out!” - he said). Well, as those of you who have been
through this already know, it takes a lot more work than this to be
“up and at'em” again. But also as many of you know, it's not
impossible.
I
have been so blessed to have three more years added to my life, three
years that now, looking back, I am not sure if I would have had, and
not sure what they would have looked like if it were not for this
surgery. I have had set backs and doubts that my heart is fine, I
have felt and will always feel like a permanent heart patient, I
still have regular appointments, take drugs and still manage the
complications from the surgery daily. But … I have also lived a
full life, too. I have worked full time since three months after
surgery. I have traveled, I have camped, and climbed mountains, I
have played with my nephews, and went on my first cruise. I have seen
The Grand Canyon and walked Venice Beach and Sunset Boulevard in
LA. I walked the streets of New York City in 100F weather for four
days straight and did not pass out.
This
past year, I landed back in the cath lab, for my new cardiologist to
try to diagnose my angina and shortness of breath. Then, I landed
back into cardiac rehab from there, which didn't help much this time
around, except for giving me the confidence to exercise, angina and
all. But I have had a good third year, too: this past year was the
first one when my husband finally “freed” me to travel by myself.
I jumped on a plane by myself and went on four business trips, one of
them for two weeks all alone. No one to ensure I breathe in the
middle of the night, and no one to help me store my luggage in the
overhead bin.
What
I know for sure now is that the journey is long, but it's so sweet
and worth having. Every day that I see the sun, every flower that I
see sprouting in my yard every spring, every humming bird that comes
and visits our feeder in the summer – I am grateful I get to see it
all and enjoy it all. Every morning that I open my eyes and I feel
the rise and fall of my breathing chest, every click of the
mechanical valve that I hear, I am in awe of how amazing this life
and medicine is and how humbled I am that I have benefited from it
all. I am amazed at how resilient, we, as a species, are, and how
much power to fight and rejuvenate we have.
I
am here to tell you that this journey is ultimately so worth taking.
I know it can seem daunting if you are coming just now to the edge of
what seems to be a bottomless precipice, right before you have to
face that cold room where your heart will change forever. But trust
me: the desire you have to live and get better, the power and energy
you are equipped with to fight through any setback are stronger than
any fear you might feel right now. I know you might not see it, but
trust me – it's there.
Whether
you do it for your kids, or for your significant other, whether you
do it for yourself, or your pet, whether you do it so you can have
one more taste of your favorite food or to cross those 100 things on
your Bucket List, whether you do it just because you're stubborn and
want to kick some heart disease butt (like I am), or for those two
cute Canadian nephews that you want to see grow up and get married
one day (like I did), whatever your reason – know that you will go
through it and see your life's dreams come true one day. Just keep at
it. Pray. Trust in you and your team and give it all you've got. When
you wake up on the other side of that precipice you'll be glad you
jumped and the beautiful journey will just then begin!
Nowadays,
medicines, doctor appointments, and all, I am happy to be living and
to be looking forward to more life. I am glad and grateful that what
was once very wrong with me is patched up to the best of our
abilities and will allow me to be here, to be present, and to give
myself to this life.
After
three full years where I have had to re-learn who I am really and I
have had to re-learn to be grateful and patient, I am finally able to
say that “up and at'em” it is.
Onward,
you all! May your journeys be smooth and rewarding. May your gaze be
steady and your soul open to receive healing.
For those of you reading here who know me from the Heart Valve Surgery Site (https://www.heart-valve-surgery.com/), happy
anniversary to all of you in the 2016 class that supported me and
carried me through my darkest days after surgery. Your sharing your
stories with me has been a precious gift for which I am forever
grateful. I wish all of you, in every stage of recovery and healing,
much health and many blessings ahead! And for those of you just
beginning: trust and look up! The light is yet to come...
