In some ways, 4 years seems like yesterday. And in most of
others, the past 4 years since my open-heart surgery feel like a lifetime. I am
not the same person I left on the other edge of that precipice. I never will
be. That person is in my past, maybe even dead, and this new metamorphosed
person is here now, scars and all, to tell the story of what was and what is
here today. I do know one thing for sure: if it were not for that open-heart
surgery that old person would not have made it alive to today. And there would
not have been a new one.
Every year, I recap what happened: the aortic arch was
repaired and cleaned out from the multiple levels of calcification; the
ascending aorta was replaced with a Dacron graft; the aortic valve was replaced
with a mechanical On-X valve; four coronary arteries (including the LAD and
OMB, some of the larger ones) underwent endarterectomy (this is plaque removal)
and bypasses. A week after the big surgery, the heart attack followed.
Three months of cardiac therapy and pretty much bed rest
followed. Three more months of not being myself, tired all the time, having
visions, tinnitus, speech lapses, left arm and left leg neuropathy, labored
shallow breathing and sleeping sitting up followed after that. After about a
year, I started getting used to my new normal which still involved some degree
of all these. Also after about a year, I started flying again. After about another
year, I started flying by myself. One baby step after another, I made it to
today. I never count the days that passed except on my anniversaries. I am just
glad I am here and I get to write this. I am grateful for every
breath, every tic-toc, every full minute that slips in the past.
New symptoms every so often, old symptoms getting better or
disappearing, old drugs and new ones are my every-day routine, but then again –
they were part of my old life, too, so not much to get used to there. Some old
issues disappeared but I traded them with new ones.
New and old tests show that my valve is doing great. Most of
my bypasses are closed because the cleared arteries are working fine on their
own. The bottom part of the heart is a little weaker than the rest of the heart
but with an ejection fraction of up to 65% I am almost as close to the old
ejection fraction as ever (it was 70% before the surgery). The blood pressure
continues to be very atypical, in various ways, but there are yet more tests
for that to follow. Some of the neuropathy still exists in my left hand but my
leg is 100% better.
My breathing is mostly better, except with exertion. All in
all, I am lucky. I work full time; I travel anywhere and any time I can. I really
cannot ask for more. The best present I was ever given in my life was these
full years after that surgery! Every
single minute of every one of them.
Every year, on this date, I read my operative report and beyond
the awe of what a body can get through and survive I find at least one thing
that makes me chuckle.
This year, I found these statements which refer to a type of
surgical clamp. But if you’re not in the know … they sound hysterical, I think:
“The bulldog was released and hemostasis was satisfactory. The bulldog was
reapplied.” That just made me laugh out loud. Just the visual of the bulldog,
the dog … who “was released …” Must have been a friendly bulldog, since it
didn’t kill me.
Looking forward to tomorrow and every day after, but I have
no expectations. Just enjoying every minute of every breath and being filled
with gratitude.
One baby step after the other – the only way I know how to
do it …
